How I work
Introduction
Every therapist develops their own way of understanding people, psychological difficulties and change.
The ideas on this page are not intended as rigid rules or explanations for every situation. Rather, they reflect some of the perspectives that most influence my work and the conversations I have with clients, supervisees and students.
Many of these ideas are connected by a common theme: curiosity. I believe that when we become curious about our thoughts, emotions, behaviour patterns and relationships, we often begin to understand ourselves differently. That understanding can create new choices, and those choices can lead to meaningful change.
The sections below offer an introduction to some of the ways I think about therapy, growth and the process of change.
How I understand change
I believe that understanding creates choice.
Many people arrive in therapy feeling stuck, frustrated, ashamed or caught in patterns they do not fully understand. My experience is that meaningful change often begins with curiosity.
Difficulty → Curiosity → Understanding → Choice → Change → Confidence
When we become curious about our thoughts, emotions, behaviour patterns and relationships, we often begin to understand them differently. That understanding can create new choices. Over time, these new choices can lead to meaningful change. As people begin to experience themselves differently and respond differently to life's challenges, confidence often develops naturally.
The importance of curiosity
I believe that curiosity creates possibilities that judgement often closes down.
Many people come to therapy carrying shame about aspects of themselves, their thoughts, emotions, behaviour or life experiences. When we judge ourselves harshly, it can be difficult to understand what is really happening. Curiosity offers an alternative.
Rather than asking "What's wrong with me?", we might begin asking "I wonder what might be happening here?" or "Is it possible that this response makes sense in ways I don't yet understand?"
Curiosity does not mean excusing or condoning harmful behaviour. Rather, it helps us understand how patterns developed, what purpose they may once have served, and how they might be changed.
I believe that the aspects of ourselves we struggle with most are often the ones that need understanding rather than rejection.
A Balanced Approach
Support
Therapy is not only about feeling supported. For some clients, it also involves being gently challenged.
I aim to balance acceptance with curiosity and challenge, helping people explore alternative perspectives, question assumptions and experiment with new ways of thinking, feeling and relating.
Gentle challenge
I do not believe challenge needs to be confrontational. More often, it emerges through conversation, reflection, humour, curiosity and thoughtful questioning.
Sometimes growth involves considering alternative perspectives, stepping outside familiar patterns, or allowing ourselves to relate to ourselves and others differently.
Emotions as information
I believe that emotions carry information.
Many people learn to fear, suppress or judge certain emotions. Yet emotions often provide valuable clues about our needs, experiences, relationships and environments.
Some of the ideas that influence my work include interpersonal neurobiology (how our brain, body and nervous system are influenced by relationships and human connection), emotional regulation (our ability to understand and manage our emotional responses) and the Window of Tolerance (a therapeutic tool that helps us understand emotional regulation).
While these concepts can be explored in greater depth where relevant, some of the key ideas include:
- Intense emotions are not moral failings.
- Dysregulation (finding it difficult to manage overwhelming emotions) is not weakness. It is a nervous system event.
- Emotions carry information.
- Regulation (our ability to understand and manage our emotional responses) can be learned.
Understanding our emotional responses often reduces shame and creates opportunities for greater choice and self-compassion.
Working with protective parts
Many people experience internal conflicts.
One part of them may want change, while another wants safety. One part may long for connection, while another fears vulnerability. One part may be highly self-critical, while another feels exhausted by the criticism.
When it feels helpful, I may draw upon ideas from parts work or Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help make sense of these experiences.
I believe that the parts of ourselves we struggle with most are often trying to communicate something important, and that if we listen carefully enough, we can learn from them.
Many people have an internal critical voice who speaks to themselves in ways they would never speak to a frightened child or a loved one.
The part is not the problem. The relationship with the part is often the problem.
The ways we learn to cope, relate and regulate our emotions are often shaped by the environments in which we grow up, and may even have been passed down through many generations. While these adaptations may once have been necessary, they do not have to determine our responses for the rest of our lives.
The therapeutic relationship
I believe that the relationship between therapist and client is one of the most important aspects of therapy.
No therapist gets everything right all of the time. As happens in all relationships, sometimes misunderstandings occur. Sometimes clients may feel disappointed, frustrated, hurt or annoyed by something that happens within the therapeutic relationship.
When this happens, I hope that we can talk about it.
Sometimes my intention may not be the same as the way something was experienced. At other times, I may have made a mistake. If that is the case, I am happy to acknowledge it and apologise.
I believe that exploring what happens between us can be an important part of therapy. These conversations can often provide valuable insights into relationship patterns, expectations, communication and emotional experiences.
Where possible, I encourage clients to bring these experiences into the room rather than carrying them alone.
Ready to take the next step?
If you'd like to explore whether we're the right fit, I'd be happy to meet with you for an initial conversation. Together we can discuss what brings you to therapy and how I may be able to support you.
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